I had a friend who once came to see me to talk about troubles in his marriage. He told me that he couldn’t understand why his wife was so unhappy. “I work hard,” he said, “and I make a good income so she can stay home. The kids are in school, so she has almost the whole day to herself. Yet the minute I come home, she wants to tell me how hard things are for her, and I just don’t get it! I’m with people all day and when I come home, I just want a few minutes to myself, to unwind. She has a great life, and yet she seems to be unhappy and depressed almost all of the time.”
I asked him a few questions. I knew about his job and how stressful it could be. I also knew that it was highly “people” centered and that his success depended on his ability to be present and attentive to people, often in times when they were highly stressed. “What you’re telling me is that you need time alone to recharge your batteries. Is that right?” “Yes,” he said, “I just feel so drained when I get home. If I had my wife’s life, I’d be happy all of the time!” Then I asked him if he had considered that his wife might be the kind of person who lost energy when she was alone – that spending her days “alone” wasn’t the blessing he imagined it to be for her. I still remember the look on his face. It was so different an experience from his own that it never had even occurred to him that his wife might experience things differently.
Unfortunately, things in his marriage had broken down by this time to the point where moving forward together wasn’t an option he and his wife were willing to consider, but I remembered this conversation again this week when I read news of a new book being published which outlines some of the differences between introverts and extroverts. Paul and I live with those same differences ourselves and remembering that these things are “differences” and not “rights” and “wrongs” is something that helps us. We can understand each other, and even ourselves, acknowledging that our wants and needs are often not the same, but without the pressure of placing a value judgment on them. In fact, while differences can produce a certain amount of friction in a relationship they also keep us moving and growing.
I love the way the Apostle Paul talks about these things. He says that we are each a part of a body and the body needs each part to be itself in order for the whole body to be strong and able to function well. If we were all eyes, where would the body be? If we were all kneecaps, how would the body function?
One of the reasons I love this church is the value we place on our differences. We are not of one mind when it comes to either theological or secular matters. And we understand this to be a positive part of our life as a faith community. I sometimes remark, when describing us, that the one thing we all have in common is our appreciation of diversity! It doesn’t always make things easy, but “easy” isn’t the goal. I believe that it is in our ability to claim those differences and learn from one another that the truth of God becomes fuller and clearer. And isn’t that one of the things we strive for – an understanding of God that moves us beyond ourselves?
I am grateful for all of the ways you share yourself with me and with each other. I look forward to the ways in which God will use our strengths in the building up of his realm.